Grace

i had  a topic for today but of course there's more pressing things on my heart. you know this whole forgiveness thing has become like an onion. a really big onion....lots of layers...lots of tears. i'm finding it hard to forgive when i still have an expectation of someone or some result. THEY SHOULD be this way or THEY SHOULD do this thing. LIKE my forgiveness should change them in some way...so they can be more deserving of it. now i know that's a crock of shit but...well no buts. its b.s.

as i was driving to work this morning, thinking of all the reasons why i was right to hold a grudge...i realized even if i was "RIGHT" a grudge and forgiveness can not - under any circumstance live in the same house. and it seems like the big F has moved in and put up her big feet on my couch. So guess who came prancing through the door ready to give my grudge a swift kick in the toockas. miss GRACE herself. her smell was sweet and her walk left petals across my heart.

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and somehow she destracted me from my rightness just long enough to linger in her...lovliness is all i can call it. she was powerful and loving all at the same time. my heart felt so full that i couldn't be mad or irritated or hurt for a whole 60 seconds. she allowed me to detach from the outcome and revel in my on good feeling. which is much better than wallowing in my pissy-ness.

don't get me wrong, im still in a learning phase with all of this OPEN HEART stuff. but i'm truly in awe of how far reaching this healing work is. For me, Grace is like giving someone the benefit of the doubt times 100. it means making a decision to feel some sort of kindness toward someone who you'd you rather seen hit by a mack truck...needless to say it takes a lot of practice. good thing i've got the rest of my life.

i think i'll need it. <3

Swaddle Someone Today

you know, its funny how things happen isn't it? It's like one thing happens and it reminds you of this other thing that happened and that reminds you of this thing you thought you forgot or didn't even care about that happened so long ago. and the next thing you know you're sitting there at the light blowing your nose with a Wendy's napkin trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Well that's how it always seems to happen to me.

I could go into the details but I don't think they matter much. Well maybe just a little. I was loving someone REALLY hard. And I made the terrible mistake of telling myself it didn't matter if I was being loved back. And while things seemed to be moving along smoothly...well at least that was the b.s. I was slinging, my insides were having a major allergic reaction. I mean major.

So out of pure necessity I realized I had to do a take back or I was going to implode completely. And it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. But what was even harder was the realization that that I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved AT ALL.

And with that AHA moment my heart broke wide the eff open. period. that's all I can say. And every piece of pain rolled out like thunder. If you've been reading my blog, you know I was pretty jacked up for a couple of months.

But while I was in such a dark place I knew I had to hold on. I knew that it wasn't happening TO me, it was happening THROUGH me. Labor is all i can compare it to...especially the part with the poop if you know what i mean. Everything funky had to come out for a life to be born. And just like breathing was the most critical part of managing my labor pains, forgiveness became my breath through my this time.

And I tell you forgiveness has and continues to change my life. It is like meeting someone and you two become fast and close friends. You understand each other, you cheer each other on. You look past the flaws and see the shine. I realize as i am writing that forgiveness has allowed me to become that friend to myself. It allows me to genuinely acknowledge my mistakes and turn them in to lessons and blessings.

And more importantly it has changed how I interact with people and treat myself. I can now admit that I served compassion up sparingly. Basically if you were over the age of six...forget about it. You had to be DESERVING of it in my book. Can you imagine ME thinking I was the accurate barometer of who should receive compassion? But I realize now that every time I denied compassion to another I was also denying it to myself.

And with this new found compassion comes a sort of self swaddling that I can't even put into words. It's warm and safe and full of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.And it makes me want to find ways to swaddle more. So try a little swaddling today.Wrap yourself in what ever you need.. Then wrap someone else even tighter. You both deserve it!


xoxoSMOOCHESxoxo

Finding Myself in the New Year

Happy Holidays you guys. It's been a couple of weeks and I've thought about all the things I'd say when I came back to this space. And I think y'all understand how life and all it's facets can usurp time assigned for other things. I've been ironing out kinks and getting some well deserved rest and believe I'm just in time for a new blogging relationship in 2011.

All in all I have am so grateful to be in the midst of such an unfolding. and have some of the new truths i want to take with me in the new year.

• We can start over any time, as many times as we like.
• NO MATTER WHAT we deserve to be loved, accepted and supported.
• Love truly is forgiving and for giving.
• We deserve to receive and give this wonderful gift.
•  No matter how it feels, the pain, grief and shame won't kill us if we allow ourselves to ride the wave of it.

I'm happy to report my crying spells have subsided. I'm getting used to the vulnerable-ness of my heart and hope I can stay present enough to remain that way. Being is a real practice.



On a more materialistic and superficial note (loving my deep and shallowness LOL) I got a new Iphone 4 for Christmas!! I am so stoked. It's like a new baby. She is so precious and I can't wait to use all her gadgets and thingamabobs. I feel so up to date and current. Funny for a girl who grew up way on the outside of all things cool.  I'm hoping it makes my blogging and social community building more seamless...and regulated.

Well, it's late and the pitter patter of little feet will up and running early in the morning. So I'll end with a heart felt  Happy New Year and new day to each of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement, support and all that good stuff.

Smooches!