Poem c. 2000

i been wanting to put some of my old writings up for a while now. and i just finished putting together a website for M2BM. and since there's been so much shakin' and moving around here i figured this was as good a time as any. enjoy.

they say i won't make it past tomorrow.
cuz when they look at me all they see
is the pain, the grief and the misery.
but i know that inside of me a seed it grows
and all it needs is a ray of hope
and the brights sunshine of possibility.
it takes me to fly so high above the trees.
it takes me to fulfill my destiny.

Just a Few Growing Pains

well i thought i'd update y'all on the ever closer move to Charlotte. it is still full speed ahead and i have a couple of interviews coming up this week (x ur fingers). you know it has been a real emotional and mental tug of war this thing. i have had to really release the notion that i should stay put just because i have a job and family here. its like cutting a zillion threads to what "they" say and following my own guidance system. and i tell you that sometimes it's been tuff for me to believe in the unseen.

before i had V i would jump up an go where ever, when ever. the running joke in our house is..."if it doesn't fit in the car...leave it!" i traveled very light and many times my life was like the sand on the beach, easily built and easily washed away. But now and i know i've talked about it before...the responsibility of being a single parent has made me much more cautious. and in many ways it has been good. but i do feel like i have to come to a middle ground and trust myself enough to know that i would never do anything to endanger my son's welfare.

with that being said i feel i need to tap into some more of that impulsive girl i once was. just because i became a mom doesn't mean the things i want have changed....i actually want more now. the anty has definitely been upped! And it's been a real test for me to add in the parts of the old me with the newer mommy me.

i realize i have to have more self-trust and stop looking at my life as a series of mistakes. it is instead has been a series of building blocks and lessons that have brought me to this point. i admit i was awful at paying bills, coming to work on time, knowing when to keep my trap shut, picking men..what ever it was, you name it i fucked it up.

so now here i am trying to make a 180 with out losing myself. and it ain't easy...not one bit.especially when you literally have another life depending on you. and i accept i will neva, eva, eva be a conventional, traditional chick. i was not made that way. but i still want to have success and happiness. so i'm left having to figure it out as i go while facing my own fears of not believing i can take care of us on my own.

that's the real deal of the whole thing right there in a nut shell. pow! at times, i am terrified that i can't do it but at the same time know i have no fucking choice but to make it happen. and sometimes i spend way to much time trying to figure out the HOWS instead of trusting in you know WHO. 

i know somewhere along the way i chose this path. i know the Godverse has some super spectacular and sparkly things for me and mine. and this is just a test. a test to see if i will trust, if i will turn my eyes and ears from the world and turn them inward and listen to the message and see the vision that has been placed on my heart. and as long as i do that, when i do that...the fear subsides and things seem to fall into place perfectly. when i don't...well you don't wanna know what.

so here's to less nail biting and more trusting.

thanks for listening!

Journaling

i have a lot of energy this morning. and my mind is going a zillion different places. bouncing. rolling. jumping. doing back flips inside my head. im not thinking much about work even though im here. i can't wrestle it in. slippery little thing the mind. it wants to play and i need to work. i have a week off for spring break at the end of april. hopefullyi will be able to get some creative play in then. i usually start thinking about all the things i need to get done and my vacays turn into work days. we'll see

i haven't been painting much in the last couple of weeks. i've been plotting my move and making plans for my t-shirt line. sometimes the ideas get so big they won't fit in my body. i want to be more flexible and allow them to expand me like those balloons at party city. just let them fill me up and i float off into the sky. that sounds really nice. not fighting against my dreams with my fists of reality. organization. time lines. comparisons. expectations. i want to surrender more and think less about how its going to work out. and when its going to work out. i want to see it as already worked out. or at least see that it is working out. i can sometimes. but i realize patience is not my strong suit. i want it all and i want it now. i know. coo coo for co co puffs.

so ill pretend im that balloon. letting life fill me up. and im floating.

Grace

i had  a topic for today but of course there's more pressing things on my heart. you know this whole forgiveness thing has become like an onion. a really big onion....lots of layers...lots of tears. i'm finding it hard to forgive when i still have an expectation of someone or some result. THEY SHOULD be this way or THEY SHOULD do this thing. LIKE my forgiveness should change them in some way...so they can be more deserving of it. now i know that's a crock of shit but...well no buts. its b.s.

as i was driving to work this morning, thinking of all the reasons why i was right to hold a grudge...i realized even if i was "RIGHT" a grudge and forgiveness can not - under any circumstance live in the same house. and it seems like the big F has moved in and put up her big feet on my couch. So guess who came prancing through the door ready to give my grudge a swift kick in the toockas. miss GRACE herself. her smell was sweet and her walk left petals across my heart.

journal page

and somehow she destracted me from my rightness just long enough to linger in her...lovliness is all i can call it. she was powerful and loving all at the same time. my heart felt so full that i couldn't be mad or irritated or hurt for a whole 60 seconds. she allowed me to detach from the outcome and revel in my on good feeling. which is much better than wallowing in my pissy-ness.

don't get me wrong, im still in a learning phase with all of this OPEN HEART stuff. but i'm truly in awe of how far reaching this healing work is. For me, Grace is like giving someone the benefit of the doubt times 100. it means making a decision to feel some sort of kindness toward someone who you'd you rather seen hit by a mack truck...needless to say it takes a lot of practice. good thing i've got the rest of my life.

i think i'll need it. <3

A Lil Weekend Show & Tell

 hey gang! im gonna try my best to push this post out with out too much fussy mussy. its been a great week and ive been taking more pics with my new iphone so i decided to stop holding them hostage and let them be free!!

 this is my silly boy. i was trying to get him dressed so we could get off on our weekend adventure. he is always finding ways to make people laugh. and it usually works.

 i went to a fantabulous art journaling class yesterday in southern pines, nc....bout an hour up the road. our fearless leader Jodi Ohl headed up an intimate group. one of my goals for '11 is to art journal. it was so freeing and inspiring. im still on a high from it. more pics below.

 sorry for the tech difficulities. i just figured it would be easier for you to turn your computer or your head up-side-down. (hee-hee)

 the subtitle says "Scream out your goodness" except there's no "a" in scream...oops!

 she is wayyyy over the top! and purely experimental. gotta work on it. LOL

 i do like this though. im gonna use it later on a bigger piece. 

like this too.

ok, that didn't take too long. its just that its 2 pm and...well let's just say im not presentable AT ALL! There's lots more going on and I have lots more to say...so till later this week. SMOOCHIE SMOOCH!