Grace

i had  a topic for today but of course there's more pressing things on my heart. you know this whole forgiveness thing has become like an onion. a really big onion....lots of layers...lots of tears. i'm finding it hard to forgive when i still have an expectation of someone or some result. THEY SHOULD be this way or THEY SHOULD do this thing. LIKE my forgiveness should change them in some way...so they can be more deserving of it. now i know that's a crock of shit but...well no buts. its b.s.

as i was driving to work this morning, thinking of all the reasons why i was right to hold a grudge...i realized even if i was "RIGHT" a grudge and forgiveness can not - under any circumstance live in the same house. and it seems like the big F has moved in and put up her big feet on my couch. So guess who came prancing through the door ready to give my grudge a swift kick in the toockas. miss GRACE herself. her smell was sweet and her walk left petals across my heart.

journal page

and somehow she destracted me from my rightness just long enough to linger in her...lovliness is all i can call it. she was powerful and loving all at the same time. my heart felt so full that i couldn't be mad or irritated or hurt for a whole 60 seconds. she allowed me to detach from the outcome and revel in my on good feeling. which is much better than wallowing in my pissy-ness.

don't get me wrong, im still in a learning phase with all of this OPEN HEART stuff. but i'm truly in awe of how far reaching this healing work is. For me, Grace is like giving someone the benefit of the doubt times 100. it means making a decision to feel some sort of kindness toward someone who you'd you rather seen hit by a mack truck...needless to say it takes a lot of practice. good thing i've got the rest of my life.

i think i'll need it. <3

A Lil Weekend Show & Tell

 hey gang! im gonna try my best to push this post out with out too much fussy mussy. its been a great week and ive been taking more pics with my new iphone so i decided to stop holding them hostage and let them be free!!

 this is my silly boy. i was trying to get him dressed so we could get off on our weekend adventure. he is always finding ways to make people laugh. and it usually works.

 i went to a fantabulous art journaling class yesterday in southern pines, nc....bout an hour up the road. our fearless leader Jodi Ohl headed up an intimate group. one of my goals for '11 is to art journal. it was so freeing and inspiring. im still on a high from it. more pics below.

 sorry for the tech difficulities. i just figured it would be easier for you to turn your computer or your head up-side-down. (hee-hee)

 the subtitle says "Scream out your goodness" except there's no "a" in scream...oops!

 she is wayyyy over the top! and purely experimental. gotta work on it. LOL

 i do like this though. im gonna use it later on a bigger piece. 

like this too.

ok, that didn't take too long. its just that its 2 pm and...well let's just say im not presentable AT ALL! There's lots more going on and I have lots more to say...so till later this week. SMOOCHIE SMOOCH!

Swaddle Someone Today

you know, its funny how things happen isn't it? It's like one thing happens and it reminds you of this other thing that happened and that reminds you of this thing you thought you forgot or didn't even care about that happened so long ago. and the next thing you know you're sitting there at the light blowing your nose with a Wendy's napkin trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Well that's how it always seems to happen to me.

I could go into the details but I don't think they matter much. Well maybe just a little. I was loving someone REALLY hard. And I made the terrible mistake of telling myself it didn't matter if I was being loved back. And while things seemed to be moving along smoothly...well at least that was the b.s. I was slinging, my insides were having a major allergic reaction. I mean major.

So out of pure necessity I realized I had to do a take back or I was going to implode completely. And it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. But what was even harder was the realization that that I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved AT ALL.

And with that AHA moment my heart broke wide the eff open. period. that's all I can say. And every piece of pain rolled out like thunder. If you've been reading my blog, you know I was pretty jacked up for a couple of months.

But while I was in such a dark place I knew I had to hold on. I knew that it wasn't happening TO me, it was happening THROUGH me. Labor is all i can compare it to...especially the part with the poop if you know what i mean. Everything funky had to come out for a life to be born. And just like breathing was the most critical part of managing my labor pains, forgiveness became my breath through my this time.

And I tell you forgiveness has and continues to change my life. It is like meeting someone and you two become fast and close friends. You understand each other, you cheer each other on. You look past the flaws and see the shine. I realize as i am writing that forgiveness has allowed me to become that friend to myself. It allows me to genuinely acknowledge my mistakes and turn them in to lessons and blessings.

And more importantly it has changed how I interact with people and treat myself. I can now admit that I served compassion up sparingly. Basically if you were over the age of six...forget about it. You had to be DESERVING of it in my book. Can you imagine ME thinking I was the accurate barometer of who should receive compassion? But I realize now that every time I denied compassion to another I was also denying it to myself.

And with this new found compassion comes a sort of self swaddling that I can't even put into words. It's warm and safe and full of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.And it makes me want to find ways to swaddle more. So try a little swaddling today.Wrap yourself in what ever you need.. Then wrap someone else even tighter. You both deserve it!


xoxoSMOOCHESxoxo

Finding Myself in the New Year

Happy Holidays you guys. It's been a couple of weeks and I've thought about all the things I'd say when I came back to this space. And I think y'all understand how life and all it's facets can usurp time assigned for other things. I've been ironing out kinks and getting some well deserved rest and believe I'm just in time for a new blogging relationship in 2011.

All in all I have am so grateful to be in the midst of such an unfolding. and have some of the new truths i want to take with me in the new year.

• We can start over any time, as many times as we like.
• NO MATTER WHAT we deserve to be loved, accepted and supported.
• Love truly is forgiving and for giving.
• We deserve to receive and give this wonderful gift.
•  No matter how it feels, the pain, grief and shame won't kill us if we allow ourselves to ride the wave of it.

I'm happy to report my crying spells have subsided. I'm getting used to the vulnerable-ness of my heart and hope I can stay present enough to remain that way. Being is a real practice.



On a more materialistic and superficial note (loving my deep and shallowness LOL) I got a new Iphone 4 for Christmas!! I am so stoked. It's like a new baby. She is so precious and I can't wait to use all her gadgets and thingamabobs. I feel so up to date and current. Funny for a girl who grew up way on the outside of all things cool.  I'm hoping it makes my blogging and social community building more seamless...and regulated.

Well, it's late and the pitter patter of little feet will up and running early in the morning. So I'll end with a heart felt  Happy New Year and new day to each of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement, support and all that good stuff.

Smooches!

Still Just Being

Well, um, its been about a week and a half since my last post and i really should be in bed but i was inspired by jenn lemen's blog and decided to take a lip gloss and comb free self pic/video(i tried to upload but took forever...still learning how to use it. but when i figure it out i will post it so you can see me in all my coo-cooness.). i really want to connect more with myself and others more authentically. i have to admit its been almost a week since i "liquified". i don't feel bad. i dont feel the same either and i dont think i want to. im a little wobbly with new legs but im very expectant.

and i have been painting. which is good. this is a piece im working on...or maybe its finished for someone very close to me. i didnt over think it or have a real expectation and i like how it turned out. 

well, its time for bed or im gonna end up watching the real housewives of atl for the umpteenth time. night night.

This, That and the Other

Well I just lost my whole freaking post...and I'm kinda pissed about it. I was gettin all deep working through issue #3,246 and wham i don't know what the eff happened. well needless to say i'll take it as a sign. "stop talking about it and just do it." said the Universe. So I'm off to complete my week 3 homework for my art class (im a week behind).

i will leave you birdies with some pics of some work that either; a) I just completed after some months 2) just started and finished or 3) just got around to scanning in.

a) i just got around to scanning. it's been done since the summer.

b) just finished after some eons. i've been workin on Miss Thang for a while but just finished her last week. 7.5 X12 recycled cabinet door.

Now i must say i love this one. it makes me smile everytime i read it. its the ultimate motivational saying. 7 X 8.5 recycled board.

or c) this one and the one above are NEW PIECES. i really love this abstract x-mas tree. the world is made from my most loved material, cardboard. 6X6 gallery wrapped canvas

 did i mention i got a new scanner(im sure i did its ALL im talking about right now. im more excited about this than when i got my mom-osine. the pictures are so vibrant. and its so fast and smooth and easy to use. i luv her so much i might have to name her. and it does make it a little easier not having my camera for now.

Any who, there they are. My next goal is to get my printer - the Epson 1400 to be exact. Miss Juliette Crane, a fellow flyer recommends it. It's kinda sorta in my budget so I'ma make the plunge....then comes the ink, paper, backers, mailers, return labels, business cards. Even though its quite an investment right now, I know the only way anyone else will take me serious as an artist is if I do the same. All in. SMOOCHES!

Grabbing for my dream...an Inspirational Tale

This blog is as much about inspiration and following your dreams as it is a place where I can show my art and shoot the gip. Well today I have a wonderful story of a woman living in my town. Her name is Mandy Campbell and she is the owner of Extreme Cakes. I just finished reading an article on her in our local paper Her type of baking has become very popular on TLCand The Food Network but her story is such an inspiration that I thought I'd share it here with my homies.

First of all I was shocked to see someone having a store dedicated to 3-D sculptural cakes in this small town I live in. Insert critiques voice...IS THERE REALLY A MARKET "HERE" FOR "THAT"? So I read on and find out that recently she was asked by the Smithsonian (yes the one in D.C) to create a cake to commemorate thee100th Anniversary of the Museum of Natural History.

Here she is with the  5 feet long and 2 feet high replica of the Natural History Museum Building

Well you know what I thought. OUT OF ALL THE CAKE BAKERS IN THE WORLD HOW DID THEY PICKED HER FROM SMALLVILLE USA? So I'm really getting into the article now THEN I find out that this seasoned baker's store has only been open ONE MONTH! And she's already in the paper and making cakes for the Smithsonian. What's up with that?

By now it's just me and the paper. I gave my students their work and I'm lost in this odyssey. (Yes I am at work reading the paper and typing this blog...but it's not what you think. Well maybe, but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.) Anyway, I turn the page, completely enthralled in her meteoric rise and see that TLC has also contacted her and is thinking of featuring her on Amazing Cakes.

She looks like she's about to bark!

popcorn cupcakes. How come I never thought of that? LOL

  Ok. Ok. Ok. Now I'm  fired up and thinking to myself...I have to meet this wild woman. But here's the clincher folks, the ICING ON THE CAKE so to speak.

She has only been doing sculptural cakes for SIX MONTHS!

As an artist,  I sometimes wonder how I can EVER bring this deep passion of expressing myself through colors, shapes and textures to the surface of my life. Well reading this article touched every part of me and piece by piece dismantled all of my reasons WHY NOT. I'm so touched by Mandy's story that I think I might just have to stop by her shop today and meet her in person.

OLD Reasons IT won't work...

1. No one can find me because I live in a small town.
2. There's no market for what I do
3. Or even better, everyone is already doing it.
4. I don't have enough experience or knowledge.
5. It's going to take forever...or longer.

NEW reasons why IT will DEFINITELY work...

1. Any and everyone can find me if I put myself out there to be found. The Internet connects us all.
2. There's absolutely a market for what I do.
3. I really do have something unique to offer.
4. I've been creating all my life this new mixed media is just an extension. And I'm dedicated to learning more and honing my craft. AND

5. My level of accomplishment is directly related to my efforts and my belief in myself....Dam, that was deep. 

You know sometimes my dream can seem so far away but in times like this it feels a little closer. And what if it really is closer, much closer than I ever imagined.

The only way I'll know is if I reach out and grab at it. So I'm gonna go grab at my dream today and I might even get to grab a little piece of cake while I'm at it.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I know, I know its been too long. I missed you too. My laptop had a virus, and then Vincent kinda sorta dropped it on the floor. Then my camera got wet and died. And I'm adjusting to my new job. Full plate right? But that's no excuse for not checkin' in with my homies.

And eventhough I have new art I haven't replaced my camera so I have no pics and Im bummed b/c I've found that opening up and sharing my art really helps me and even creates a sense of accountability...and you know my lil ADD mind needs that.

So instead of rambling on I'm posting a great article by a wonderful artist/coach that I plan on reading over and over again.I think, at least for me, when I ask myself this question it forces me to look at how my choices are either leading toward or away from my desired goal. A real kick in the tukkus. I really hope you enjoy it. SMOOCHES!

Who Do You Think You Are?

Inspiration @ the SPARKcon Art Festival

We went to the really inspiring SPARKcon festival in Raleigh last Saturday. The pics speak for themselves. Gorgeous weather and all these talented NCState (the majority) students creating these TEMPORARY and public works of art.It was all done in pastels and by Monday morning (today) it will be replaced by rush hour traffic.

These were all only identified by a number in the bottom right hand corner.

This one brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at it. Its about childhood homelessness. dam.

Oh, yeah these went on for blocks and blocks. And blocks. I was so inspired.

Did you think he was gonna let them have all the fun? They had a kids (and big kids ) area at one intersection.

 I was so proud of myself for not whippin' out my wet wipes.LOL

My most beautiful work of art. I must gush for just one moment....I look at this picture and remember when

he was just seven pounds and laying on my chest. We have come a long way and I'm really happy to be building these creative memories with him. My Schmookie.

I'm tired as a...

...dog.
...hebrew slave.



I started work today and it was cool actually. (yes, im saying getting up way too early to do something mildly interesting and getting paid just above the poverty level can be cool, right? please say yes or I'm gonna eat a pack of raw fudge brownies right now.) It was a welcome break from being at home for the last almost three months.  I'm here to tell you there is no job harder than being a full-time at home mom and I have a lil confession to make(shhh)...I miss day care. I mean I really miss it. I love my son and I shouldn't feel bad for saying this BUT I need some time to myself. And not to go hang out or do anything special (but what would be wrong with that?) I just want some time when I'm not cooking, cleaning or trying to squeeze my big ass down kiddee slide (imagine a watermelon trying to make it through a straw).

For those of you who don't know I take care of V by myself. His father has never been in the picture (a whole other blog all together. remember, pot and oral sex do not go together not at all.) Anyway, this job is harder than I could ever imagine. But the good news is now that I'm working my little man will be back with his snotee nosed cohorts. and since I get off at 2:30 and noon on Friday I will get a little meeee time. Yippee!

On to art...I've got some stuff but don't feel like getting off my butt to hook up my camera to show y'all. Plus they're not finished. And I'm getting tired of pattng myself on the back for starting and not finishing a project. I did buyt some alphabet stamps this weekend but now am scared to commit to adding any writing. It's always something. I'm so scared of effin' em up that now they're starting to collect dust. Which is in total oppposition to this idea of selling my art so I don't have to go to that job up there. I can't sell it cus it's not finished. And its not finishd cus I don't wanna mess it up. Sounds like BS to me too. So I've got to make some decisions this week and ad some things to my Etsy shop by next week. The things I have on there now are just sitting and I don't really even reflect my current style. go figure. Well anyway, I'm off to wash the day off and finish off a bottle of vino. smooches!

On Finding My Style and Time for Personal Grooming

You know I had absolutely no plans today and so I thought it would be easy to et some things done. NOT. So tomorrow is a jam packed day and now I am scrambling tonight to get organized so most of it goes smoothly. And after taking a shower finally (yes its been 2 days) and getting my little gremlin in the bed (not asleep but at least contained in one place) I had to peep my head in to say Hey. That's how much I love y'all. And speaking of love I want to say a special thank you  to the talented, inspireing and kind ladies who take out the time to read and comment on my lttle blog. Y'all are the milk to my cookies.

I have been painting ALOT lately. And I think, I hope, oh I hope I am approaching my own personal style. I admit I have some art ADD but I feel like the more I work things out on paper and canvas the closer I feel I'm getting.... So here's what I've been working on. They are drafts and I'm going to ad some text but cant decide to hand write it or cut out printed type. What do yall think. More people are using the cut type and I'm trying not to be so anal about my own handwriting. Did I say anal? I meant nuerotic.

I've had a sketch of her for a few months now and finally got the balls to put paint to and she just opened up so much for me. I love her for that alone. And doesn't she look so full of thought, huh?

The camera doesnt really get all  the roughness that I love about the flower and how the blue's not quite opaque. cute.

I wasn't sure what this was gonna be when I started but I was pleasantly surprised. I also loosened the reigns on "matching colors" and just let my intuition guide me. The house is actually this cool melon orangy color. luv it.

She's a little blurry and excuse her zombie stare. I'm still working on her eyes. I think I want her to look down but not sure how to accomplish that...but i love her hair. Back in the day I had a color very similar to this just a lil more magenta, wth. ;-)

Love Changed My Life...New Art

I've been working really hard to find my own unique voice as an artist. And after my little mental BM post last night I feel "lighter". And this morning while rifling through some magazine pages I found the boost to get my booty moving. I'll post the close to finished or maybe finished pic tomorrow on my FB fan page but I thought I'd share some process shots. I always love how artist show how they get from one place to the next in a mixed media piece so....

It's late I don't feel like adding captions but I really loved all the magazine images. and layering the heart with tissue paper. And the trip part is I started this piece TODAY1 I am usually a slow worker but when I work quickly I don't have a chance to second guess my choices. Well that's it just wanted to share and I always get excited with new art....more tomorrow. PEACE OUT!

Let the Rambling Begin

1. I don't have any pictures to keep you visually stimulated and probably wont advertise this post on FB. I just wanted to vent.

2. I went to GSO to sub for the week at the community college. and while the good news is they offered me a job. It's p.t. but the hourly pay sorta makes up for it. Sorta. The bad news is they only get paid once a month. Meaning it would be the end of October before I got a check big enough to rent a place. And my credit is so jacked up it still probably won't be enough. For the first time I'm condidering applying for public housing. Oh the shame, who am I kidding. I'll be there first thing Monday morning.

3. My schedule it totally effed up after being away from my paint for a week. I haven't made anything for 2 weeks and am kina scerred to put paint down. I've had too much time to think bout it all.

4. While I loved making my little magnets, I'm now like wondering if they are really any good. How in the hell am I gonna make enough money selling $10 cardboard magnets?

5. I'm so sick of dishes and dirty clothes every frickin day.

6. I quietly beat myself up everyday for not being able to make enough money to take care of my son independently.

7. I'm considering starting a new blog about my life as a single mom and my constant pangs of inadequacy.

8. Why is it everytime I have a good idea and tell someone all the fizz goes out of it? And why can't I keep my big mouth shut?

9. I was about to tell y'all something, I really want to but I'ma try and keep it to myself.

10. Eventhough my life is nothing as I expected it to be, sometimes I think this is all happening for a reason and if I just keep pluggin away and staying focus on my BIG dream it might actually happen.

If God Loved Stilettos...

Well I got back from Greensboro subbing before my perm class starts and am just getting back in the swing of things. So I just wanted to pop in and say "Hey" and let y'all know what's been up with me.

I just finished posting the most beautiful pair of shoes I have ever owned on Ebay for sale....I feel (a little) like Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac. I know that's a little bit dramatic, but dam they are the most goregously stunning pair of metallic, snakeskin, platform sandals..and they are comfortable TOO. And I'm just hoping God will light a burning bush and tell me its all a cruel joke.

"Jennifer, those shoes look sooo good on you, you must keep them for eternity. And oh yeah, go out and get a dress to match....this I command of thee." 

Eventhough I got them for Christmas post having Vincent, they still represent the life I'd like to have again at least a little itty bit. But the reality is I spend more time in my Crocs and since I've been out of work for about six weeks now and while the wheels are turning and I'll be going back to work in a couple of weeks I need the money now. On top of that my laptop has caught the equivalent of  HIV and I can't even get online so I've highjacked my mom's laptop to get some things done.

I've got some other things cookin in the kitchen but tonight I'm just having a little seperation anxiety, so I thought I'd give a shout out and see if I could get a materialistic, shop-a-holic, used to be hot mama, shoulder to cry on. If not it's ok too. I've got a cocktail and hot shower waiting and that should do the trick too. And for those of you wondering what my babies look like here's a stock photo to drool over....

For once 6" is really a lot.

On my second glass of wine and...

I've been thinkin' about this process Im in of finding my authentic voice as an artist. Then it dawned on me, with the help of my friend Merlot, I don't need to find her. SHE is not lost. I need to find more ways to allow her to come out of the basement closet (I thought she'd be safe there). So I, along with my

  trusty apprentice (yes I have kidnapped the entire table. thanks mom) have been making a mess and making some major head way...

washing dishes and...

eating molasses soaked wheat toast and blueberries while we watch Toy Story for the 33rd time. And I've even found some time to paint (ill have pics in a couple of days).

And it has been a real blast. You see I'm a master of imagining the worst possible scenario and then filling my mind and body with enough anxiety to make people refer to me as a royal B.

I don't know how they could think such a thing about yours truly (hee-hee) but I can honestly say I'm a little nicer since I've let "her" out to play.

BTW, a community college called me today while me and my sidekick were out playing on swings. She wants me to start work on Monday. Part-time but its sure better than no-time. I guess there are a few side benefits to deciding to chill the eff out.

Have a great weekend!

Pitter, Patter Go the Steps of Success

Hi u guys! I'm mobile blogging for the first time today so yay for me. I recently enlisted the help of my Google calendar to whip me into shape and it so kindly sent me a reminder to my phone. So here I am takin' a pause from my errands to check in with my crew.

I don't have anything juicy or super inspiring today but that's okay too. Sometimes this road is not scenic or awe filled. Sometimes the journey to your dreams means doing wutchu gotta do. And the trip part is when I get my mundane tasks (don't get me wrong, talkin 2 y'all is far from mundane but I can sometimes doubt it's healin powers, thus bringin out my lazy bones)completed I'm  inspired 2 take other steps.

So here I am stepping. Stepping closer 2 b-living in my talents and stepping closer 2 building my life my way...one step at a time. ok, gotta go. I luv all y'all! CU later gators!

New Logo & Confidence Coming to a Blog Near You

 Since the Flying Lessons course I've been working to up the anty on my art business. We (I mean "I") often can come up with more reasons why we can't do something rather than looking for creative solutions that fit our budget, skill and sensibility. Well I've been moping around because I didnt have a professional logo. And since I didn't have a logo and because I didn't have a logo I couldn't  get business cards and other marketing materials for M2BM. And since I didn't have those things I wasn't a real business and nobody would buy from such an amateur and blah, blah, blah....I know cry me a river right.

Well something finally clicked in this hard skull of mine and I decided to...do it myself! What a novel idea. Who would have ever thought I could make my own log?. But then again, who better to design the most accurate representation of me and my creations?

So I've been really excited this week as I've been building this little baby and even though its in it's early stages I'm liking where it's going. Unfortunately, I sometimes get caught up in wondering if others will like my art instead of making what my own heart mandates. But this logo is all about me saying who I am. Not just with the name of my business but creatively. And it feels very true if you know what I mean. And that makes me feel all warm inside like I'm already successful. And that always feels good. So the lesson today for Jenny is...do what feels good and it will be good enough.

Talk soon and big love!

Houston, We Have Landed!

I'll start with y son's newest favorite thing to say to any and everyone who crosses his little path... 

hey you guys! 

I have really missed this little blogita and all of you and you and you too. And speaking of my little cubby hole, my hasn't she grown over the last week. Yay! I want to send the biggest teary eyed THANK YOU out to all of you who have commented lately and left your warm wishes and words of encouragement. I don't know about any of you but I've never felt like I was a part of something...but I do now and it is all its chalked up to be...as long as you don't ask me to drink some purple punch. :-) But truly I don't know how to put it with out sounding like a goof ball but I really feel each of you and I'm sending so much love to all of you. XOXOXOXO

Now to the business...tomorrow will be a week since we came back to NC. My mama has taken up "shackin'" with her new "boy" friend. (yes they are over 60 and acting like teenagers!) So V and I have the house to ourselves. Which is nice after living with family for the last year. We haven't been up to too much aside from visiting old friends and making sure Vincent's schedule stays consistent as possible. So we've been hitting up playgrounds and groups, ferris wheels and today we went to the pool and he had a BALLLL! I also found some art galleries so we'll tour those next week. And since I havent blessed my mama's house with the mess that is my studio (yet), I've been taking lots of pics of my little town...and since I've been carrying you all with me I thought I'd share some.

One of my BFF's boys & Vinny clowning around -i love that they're growing up together

and their super duper cute and cuddly sister Isabella (with her rib bone)

oh, the bliss of wallowing in sand when there's a perfectly good playground only 2ft away 

 its tobacco season in the country

the itsy-bitsy post office i used to go to with my dad when i was V's age

and there we are in the white house. and yes that's even more tobacco

had to include this one...he is intently waiting for the LG to blow the whistle so he can get back in the water.

I hope I'm not beating a dead horse but...I'm so grateful to this blog and you all. It has allowed me to stay connected when many strings are dangling every-which-a-way. Thank you again and I'll be back with more soon. SMOOCHES!!