Just a Few Growing Pains

well i thought i'd update y'all on the ever closer move to Charlotte. it is still full speed ahead and i have a couple of interviews coming up this week (x ur fingers). you know it has been a real emotional and mental tug of war this thing. i have had to really release the notion that i should stay put just because i have a job and family here. its like cutting a zillion threads to what "they" say and following my own guidance system. and i tell you that sometimes it's been tuff for me to believe in the unseen.

before i had V i would jump up an go where ever, when ever. the running joke in our house is..."if it doesn't fit in the car...leave it!" i traveled very light and many times my life was like the sand on the beach, easily built and easily washed away. But now and i know i've talked about it before...the responsibility of being a single parent has made me much more cautious. and in many ways it has been good. but i do feel like i have to come to a middle ground and trust myself enough to know that i would never do anything to endanger my son's welfare.

with that being said i feel i need to tap into some more of that impulsive girl i once was. just because i became a mom doesn't mean the things i want have changed....i actually want more now. the anty has definitely been upped! And it's been a real test for me to add in the parts of the old me with the newer mommy me.

i realize i have to have more self-trust and stop looking at my life as a series of mistakes. it is instead has been a series of building blocks and lessons that have brought me to this point. i admit i was awful at paying bills, coming to work on time, knowing when to keep my trap shut, picking men..what ever it was, you name it i fucked it up.

so now here i am trying to make a 180 with out losing myself. and it ain't easy...not one bit.especially when you literally have another life depending on you. and i accept i will neva, eva, eva be a conventional, traditional chick. i was not made that way. but i still want to have success and happiness. so i'm left having to figure it out as i go while facing my own fears of not believing i can take care of us on my own.

that's the real deal of the whole thing right there in a nut shell. pow! at times, i am terrified that i can't do it but at the same time know i have no fucking choice but to make it happen. and sometimes i spend way to much time trying to figure out the HOWS instead of trusting in you know WHO. 

i know somewhere along the way i chose this path. i know the Godverse has some super spectacular and sparkly things for me and mine. and this is just a test. a test to see if i will trust, if i will turn my eyes and ears from the world and turn them inward and listen to the message and see the vision that has been placed on my heart. and as long as i do that, when i do that...the fear subsides and things seem to fall into place perfectly. when i don't...well you don't wanna know what.

so here's to less nail biting and more trusting.

thanks for listening!

Journaling

you know what i hate? edges. i hate painting edges. i see other people's art...im always peekin' and snoopin' around other artist's work...anyway i see these beautiful edges that just seem to extend off the page of the canvas. me. i dont even like to paint my edges. im not good with details. they overwhelm me. of course i like what "they" are doing more than what moi is up to. and i need to just do me damn it.

painting forces me push through my fears of rejection and notions of not being good enough. and sometimes i dont push though. i just sit there and stare at the canvas and decide...not tonight...not this week.

and other times...