Grace

i had  a topic for today but of course there's more pressing things on my heart. you know this whole forgiveness thing has become like an onion. a really big onion....lots of layers...lots of tears. i'm finding it hard to forgive when i still have an expectation of someone or some result. THEY SHOULD be this way or THEY SHOULD do this thing. LIKE my forgiveness should change them in some way...so they can be more deserving of it. now i know that's a crock of shit but...well no buts. its b.s.

as i was driving to work this morning, thinking of all the reasons why i was right to hold a grudge...i realized even if i was "RIGHT" a grudge and forgiveness can not - under any circumstance live in the same house. and it seems like the big F has moved in and put up her big feet on my couch. So guess who came prancing through the door ready to give my grudge a swift kick in the toockas. miss GRACE herself. her smell was sweet and her walk left petals across my heart.

journal page

and somehow she destracted me from my rightness just long enough to linger in her...lovliness is all i can call it. she was powerful and loving all at the same time. my heart felt so full that i couldn't be mad or irritated or hurt for a whole 60 seconds. she allowed me to detach from the outcome and revel in my on good feeling. which is much better than wallowing in my pissy-ness.

don't get me wrong, im still in a learning phase with all of this OPEN HEART stuff. but i'm truly in awe of how far reaching this healing work is. For me, Grace is like giving someone the benefit of the doubt times 100. it means making a decision to feel some sort of kindness toward someone who you'd you rather seen hit by a mack truck...needless to say it takes a lot of practice. good thing i've got the rest of my life.

i think i'll need it. <3

A Lil Weekend Show & Tell

 hey gang! im gonna try my best to push this post out with out too much fussy mussy. its been a great week and ive been taking more pics with my new iphone so i decided to stop holding them hostage and let them be free!!

 this is my silly boy. i was trying to get him dressed so we could get off on our weekend adventure. he is always finding ways to make people laugh. and it usually works.

 i went to a fantabulous art journaling class yesterday in southern pines, nc....bout an hour up the road. our fearless leader Jodi Ohl headed up an intimate group. one of my goals for '11 is to art journal. it was so freeing and inspiring. im still on a high from it. more pics below.

 sorry for the tech difficulities. i just figured it would be easier for you to turn your computer or your head up-side-down. (hee-hee)

 the subtitle says "Scream out your goodness" except there's no "a" in scream...oops!

 she is wayyyy over the top! and purely experimental. gotta work on it. LOL

 i do like this though. im gonna use it later on a bigger piece. 

like this too.

ok, that didn't take too long. its just that its 2 pm and...well let's just say im not presentable AT ALL! There's lots more going on and I have lots more to say...so till later this week. SMOOCHIE SMOOCH!

Swaddle Someone Today

you know, its funny how things happen isn't it? It's like one thing happens and it reminds you of this other thing that happened and that reminds you of this thing you thought you forgot or didn't even care about that happened so long ago. and the next thing you know you're sitting there at the light blowing your nose with a Wendy's napkin trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Well that's how it always seems to happen to me.

I could go into the details but I don't think they matter much. Well maybe just a little. I was loving someone REALLY hard. And I made the terrible mistake of telling myself it didn't matter if I was being loved back. And while things seemed to be moving along smoothly...well at least that was the b.s. I was slinging, my insides were having a major allergic reaction. I mean major.

So out of pure necessity I realized I had to do a take back or I was going to implode completely. And it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. But what was even harder was the realization that that I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved AT ALL.

And with that AHA moment my heart broke wide the eff open. period. that's all I can say. And every piece of pain rolled out like thunder. If you've been reading my blog, you know I was pretty jacked up for a couple of months.

But while I was in such a dark place I knew I had to hold on. I knew that it wasn't happening TO me, it was happening THROUGH me. Labor is all i can compare it to...especially the part with the poop if you know what i mean. Everything funky had to come out for a life to be born. And just like breathing was the most critical part of managing my labor pains, forgiveness became my breath through my this time.

And I tell you forgiveness has and continues to change my life. It is like meeting someone and you two become fast and close friends. You understand each other, you cheer each other on. You look past the flaws and see the shine. I realize as i am writing that forgiveness has allowed me to become that friend to myself. It allows me to genuinely acknowledge my mistakes and turn them in to lessons and blessings.

And more importantly it has changed how I interact with people and treat myself. I can now admit that I served compassion up sparingly. Basically if you were over the age of six...forget about it. You had to be DESERVING of it in my book. Can you imagine ME thinking I was the accurate barometer of who should receive compassion? But I realize now that every time I denied compassion to another I was also denying it to myself.

And with this new found compassion comes a sort of self swaddling that I can't even put into words. It's warm and safe and full of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.And it makes me want to find ways to swaddle more. So try a little swaddling today.Wrap yourself in what ever you need.. Then wrap someone else even tighter. You both deserve it!


xoxoSMOOCHESxoxo

Yummy Goodies for 2011

One thing my friends and family know about me is that i looove thrift stores and hunting for second hand "stuff" And since Ebay and Craig's List hit the scene it has only fed my hunger for finding trash and turning it into treasure.

Well, i feel like i've hit the pick 3 the other day. i was on CL looking for a wheeled chair so i could more easily get around my art space and a bookcase for my son's growing collection of books and toys. Little did i know i would find a junk yard angel, in my back yard no less.

i got all of these panels and frames for a big fat ZERO! I can't believe it. y'all know how expensive supplies can be so it's a double wammy when i can save some dough and re-use old items. Oh yeah, i found the bomb executive chair on wheels for 20 buckaroos and a bookcase for $35.

They say there's nothing new under the sun. These prints mounted on woods seem like predecessors to today's mixed media. I think they are so cool. But they will be re-purposed with some 2011 prints.

and this mamma-jamma is a whoppin 35x40. My biggest canvas to date. Yippee!

this has that baroque type frame. i almost don't wanna paint over it. The title is "The Coqueta" and she is working that vase!

i've been looking everywhere for a really ornate frame to paint with a pop of color. i found it!

SHE is sooooo comfy.

So I'm really inspired about these goodies and plan on making some cool stuff in '11. Speaking of, here is my first painting of the year. I have started loosenin up more on the last few pieces. And this is the first one where i used pastels and pencils  along with my paint. I was really fun to make.

And it's really just hitting me how hard i am on myself. i hadn't acknowledged how much i've grown as an artist. I was only April of '10 that i picked my brushes up after a verrrrry long break. It was Kelly's book that just spoke to that part of me that said she was too broke and too busy to paint.

I focus so much on what i want to improve on that i have neglected to tell my inner girly how proud i am that she is doing something she loves and is so committed to it. Well, here's to you darling...and to all of us. SMOOCHES!

i like the text to....ode to all of us with weight loss plans for the new year.

Embracing Different Perspectives

Hey y'all! We're one week into the new year and there have been so many good changes, inside and out. I really want to thank all of you who stopped by and left such warm and beautiful words. I am still in awe of the ripple of support and acceptance born out of our Flying Lesson. I love all of y'all and look forward to this year's journey.

I was working on this piece at the end of the year and even scanned in the pics. But am just getting around to posting them here (embracing my procrastination).

After I finished the background, I started turning this piece all different directions to find the best position for my text. Then I decided to pull out a matting with a 5X7 opening to play with some different views..and i was pleasantly surprised. So here are my top 4 combos.

with out the view finder

1.

2.

3.

4.

I ordered my printer  and paper last week so I'm excited to try them all out!

Speaking of perspectives, I'm so grateful to how the softening of my shell and the allowance of forgiveness has just begun to shift how I see myself, my circumstances and my gifts. I am humbled by this process and so anticipating all that is to come this year.SMOOCHES!

A Word for 2011

I usually pick a word that defines how I want to go into the new year. I don't think too much about it, it just has a natural reoccurance in my life. Well this year everybody's picking a word. Maybe they always did I was just so disconnected from any like minded community, i didn't know about it. But being a rebel and a little bit of a prick from time to time I decided NO WORD FOR ME! I'm going against the grain...even if it's just for grain's sake (i know, i know).

But what I didn't realize was the word had already chosen me.

Then when I did realize it I said to myself, "Self, how can that word possibly last all year long? Once you got it, you got it right?" And then i thought, I don't want to beat a dead horse. And does this word bring up too many bad memories that I have to sift through?

Well, I soon uhm how do you say, humbled myself to the truth. The truth that this word never gets old and is so underused and misunderstood that I could find a million ways to use it, to share it, to meditate on it. So much so that it could become my word for life. I know this because when I think of it my heart swells and the tears well up in my eyes. My mind goes to all the names & faces that I owe this word to. Some I am asking for it and others I'm giving it to.

The word is FORGIVENESS. 

I can barely type it with out becoming a blubbering mess. I mean in my intellectual mind I know life is short and there are too many things to do other than hold on to any grudge or ill memory. But my ego with it's marathon memory and Olympic strength has the will and power to hold on to some really old shit. And with that same will and power it is able to justify all its own wrongs.


And what I have realized is that FORGIVENESS leads to all sorts of beautiful words  that through it's healing power I can more fully embrace. Words like...

APPRECIATION...FUN....LIGHT HEARTEDNESS... LAUGHTER......CREATIVITY...INTIMACY...CONNECTION... 

PEACE.

 So with that being said, I embark on a new soul's journey. One that has already began to crack that now useless hard exterior that used to protect me. One that will surely leave me more vulnerable, more authentic and more receptive to love...and hopefully to more forgiveness.

Finding Myself in the New Year

Happy Holidays you guys. It's been a couple of weeks and I've thought about all the things I'd say when I came back to this space. And I think y'all understand how life and all it's facets can usurp time assigned for other things. I've been ironing out kinks and getting some well deserved rest and believe I'm just in time for a new blogging relationship in 2011.

All in all I have am so grateful to be in the midst of such an unfolding. and have some of the new truths i want to take with me in the new year.

• We can start over any time, as many times as we like.
• NO MATTER WHAT we deserve to be loved, accepted and supported.
• Love truly is forgiving and for giving.
• We deserve to receive and give this wonderful gift.
•  No matter how it feels, the pain, grief and shame won't kill us if we allow ourselves to ride the wave of it.

I'm happy to report my crying spells have subsided. I'm getting used to the vulnerable-ness of my heart and hope I can stay present enough to remain that way. Being is a real practice.



On a more materialistic and superficial note (loving my deep and shallowness LOL) I got a new Iphone 4 for Christmas!! I am so stoked. It's like a new baby. She is so precious and I can't wait to use all her gadgets and thingamabobs. I feel so up to date and current. Funny for a girl who grew up way on the outside of all things cool.  I'm hoping it makes my blogging and social community building more seamless...and regulated.

Well, it's late and the pitter patter of little feet will up and running early in the morning. So I'll end with a heart felt  Happy New Year and new day to each of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement, support and all that good stuff.

Smooches!