On Just Being

i guess in life and this blog - i try to be funny and interesting. i want you to come back, to like me, to subscribe to whatever i'm peddling. i think I've always been that way.Well today i dont really have the energy or desire to try. so im a just be.

i feel like a layer of me is being rubbed off. maybe more than one. 

its uncomfortable. 

im raw. 

i cried a good part of my trip to atlanta. i know why and then i dont know why. it was good though. 

long drives on the highway are the only times i have alone with myself these days. 

the tears are still just behind my eyes. 

i feel butterflies. 

i also feel the seams of trying to hold it all in are wearing thin and some things are starting to leak out. 

its very uncomfortable. 

i want to distract myself, to buy something, to move to a new city, to tell a joke, to get a tattoo. 

its very uncomfortable. 

there's a rumbling inside that i can't quite put my finger on. 

but i know the timing is perfect. but for what, i'm not sure. 

it feels like there's a magnet pulling the stuff deep down that i hide and ignore and pretend isn't there, to the surface of my life.

its pulling my card. and showing me the lies i tell myself 

about me not being judgmental or not being scared to death that no one will ever really love ME. 

it has hooked a string around all my feelings of lonliness and isolation, inadequacy and jealousy. 

and like master fisherman it's realing it all up from the murky bottom for all to see. 

i can't hide much longer. and what a relief.

you see my grip is weak and i admit asked for this. 

and it seems the call was heard and the waves are pushing against the sand. 

did i say it was uncomfortable? very?

so i sit back and wait and just be.