you know, its funny how things happen isn't it? It's like one thing happens and it reminds you of this other thing that happened and that reminds you of this thing you thought you forgot or didn't even care about that happened so long ago. and the next thing you know you're sitting there at the light blowing your nose with a Wendy's napkin trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Well that's how it always seems to happen to me.
I could go into the details but I don't think they matter much. Well maybe just a little. I was loving someone REALLY hard. And I made the terrible mistake of telling myself it didn't matter if I was being loved back. And while things seemed to be moving along smoothly...well at least that was the b.s. I was slinging, my insides were having a major allergic reaction. I mean major.
So out of pure necessity I realized I had to do a take back or I was going to implode completely. And it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. But what was even harder was the realization that that I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved AT ALL.
And with that AHA moment my heart broke wide the eff open. period. that's all I can say. And every piece of pain rolled out like thunder. If you've been reading my blog, you know I was pretty jacked up for a couple of months.
But while I was in such a dark place I knew I had to hold on. I knew that it wasn't happening TO me, it was happening THROUGH me. Labor is all i can compare it to...especially the part with the poop if you know what i mean. Everything funky had to come out for a life to be born. And just like breathing was the most critical part of managing my labor pains, forgiveness became my breath through my this time.
And I tell you forgiveness has and continues to change my life. It is like meeting someone and you two become fast and close friends. You understand each other, you cheer each other on. You look past the flaws and see the shine. I realize as i am writing that forgiveness has allowed me to become that friend to myself. It allows me to genuinely acknowledge my mistakes and turn them in to lessons and blessings.
And more importantly it has changed how I interact with people and treat myself. I can now admit that I served compassion up sparingly. Basically if you were over the age of six...forget about it. You had to be DESERVING of it in my book. Can you imagine ME thinking I was the accurate barometer of who should receive compassion? But I realize now that every time I denied compassion to another I was also denying it to myself.
And with this new found compassion comes a sort of self swaddling that I can't even put into words. It's warm and safe and full of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.And it makes me want to find ways to swaddle more. So try a little swaddling today.Wrap yourself in what ever you need.. Then wrap someone else even tighter. You both deserve it!