The Reclamation of ME

i love hip-hop music. and if you pull up next to me at a red light you are liable to see me in my mom van bobbin my head to lil wayne and daydreaming about me, him and my 2-piece on south beach. (yes, i know he’s only a little taller than my son and has stones for teeth…just let me have this one). On the other hand you can also catch me in deep reflection while listening to the wise words of wayne dyer. and yes we’re in maui and ive traded the 2-piece for a citrus colored sarong. what can i say…im in love with two waynes.

 

if you are still reading this, maybe you are getting the point of this post. maybe not. but if you're still reading that's good enough for me.

since i picked back up the paint brush and the pen almost a year ago, i have found myself struggling to find my own authentic voice. i hear it in my head and even see it in my mind’s eye but when i go to create it, it becomes illusive like smoke and at same time stiff, like hard cement.

don’t get me wrong. i know why this is. over the years i have brainwashed myself into believing that because my delivery of the message was different from what I see in the main stream that there is no place for me. and that basically I had to become creatively anorexic so no one will be offended or God forbid, un-friend me on facebook or stop following my blog. 

through a powerful coaching process im enrolled in i now realize this is so much bigger than some paint flung on a canvas. this is about all the ways i have choked the life out of my dreams and watered down my passions because i couldn’t understand how all my opposites could survive, let alone thrive in this one body. many times  I have set the fire of my desire only to go back and create a perimeter of water around it so it didn’t get out of control.

because what would happen if my dreams and passions burned like wildfire? lord help us if they took over and I became a slave to my soul’s deepest longings.

this blog has become such a wonderful mirror for my spirit. i see how i've been on the side lines of my own life and wondering why no one will throw me the ball. as far as here i have let some personal things about me out of the bag. but i have also struggled with how much to share, how to share it and if anyone would really give a damn.

M2BM started out an artistic outlet. but it has reignited my love of writing and reminded me that i am a natural communicator and storyteller. it has also reminded me of the lighter, more playful side of my life that i thought i had to trade in for the responsible single-mom card. i want to inspire and connect with people. i just have to do it my way. and @ 36 years old I realize im not gonna change. and why should i?

i'm now ready to get on with accepting my smart, sexy, ambitious, sensitive, creative, spiritual self. and that also includes accepting my potty mouthed, know-it-all, insecure, nerdy, stuck-up, shallow self as well. and i got a inklin' that this is exactly how im gonna find my REAL place in this world. and that alone makes all the bull shit ive put myself through sooo worth it. 

so this blog and i may go through a few tweeks until we find our groove. but our groove we will find. i am sure of that. and until next time, thanks for lettin me bend your ear.

XOXO